A Revolution Of Love (Part 4) – Loving Your Friends
On 17 March 1990, my Papa passed away suddenly.
He had a heart attack after an enjoyable holiday.
He collapsed while queuing up to stamp his passport at the Singapore Customs.
At that point, our family was in shock and deeply saddened.
It took us a long time to recover from the grief.
Looking back, I feel it was a beautiful way to go.
There was no prolonged illness, no medical bills, and no major financial burdens to his loved ones or anyone.
Papa left us with a smile on his face and an uplifted spirit from the vacation.
We placed a small advertisement in the obituary column – a routine act by almost every bereaved family.
It was hard to believe the response we got at the funeral wake.
The HDB void deck was literally packed with people.
Many rushed to the funeral to see Papa for the last time.
Some had tears in their eyes and came with a message from their hearts.
There was a man with a swarthy face, probably in the 60s, who came very close to me.
He held my hands and with glistening eyes, he shared these moving words with me;
“I’m a retired policeman. I’ve met your dad for only a short period of time.
“Somehow, he made a strong impression on me and brightened up my life.
“When I saw his photo in the newspaper, I told myself I have to come and see him off.”
There were many others who shared with me how they treasured Papa’s friendship and valued the time they spent with him.
They came from many corners of the country and different walks of life.
My Papa’s funeral awakened me to an important value.
One good way to measure success is the number of friends who will show up at my funeral – people who will be thankful for my life and who will miss me when I am gone.
I do not want to go through what Thomas Hardy called the ‘second death’ in his poem, ‘The To-Be-Forgotten.’
‘They bide as quite forgot;
They are as men who have existed not;
Theirs is a loss past loss of fitful breath;
It is the second death.’
I thought to myself, “It is tragic if I die, no one will remember me or worst, no one wants to remember me.”
Think about it.
You can take nothing away with you at the end of my life.
However, you can leave behind something of value.
The highest value you can leave behind will be your love for people and your contributions to them and the environment they lived in.
If you live for this noble aspiration, you would have lived a good life.
As a real estate investor, I have always said that it’s more important to invest in “real relationship” estate.
I teach my students that they are not just in the property investment business but also in the people business.
Their focus should not just be about developing real estate but about developing relationships too.
Ultimately, they should aim to turn their clients into “freehold” friends – friends forever.
Therefore, seek to love and value-add to your friends throughout your lifetime.
As I look back on my life, if there is anything I can be proud of and happy about – it’s the fact that I have many friends.
They come from different walks of life and from many different parts of the world.
Many of my customers have also become my close friends.
From the young to the old, poor to the rich, not-educated to the educated… I can call on them.
We make time for each other and help each other on the journey of life.
Friendships do not come by accident, and they need to be planned and nurtured over time.
There are essentially 7 key strategies to bond with people and build a positive relationship with them.
1. Exemplify
To love others, it starts with your mind.
The seeds of love that you sow in your mind will help you reap the fruits of love in your life.
The external acts of love is a reflection of the love in your inner being.
Therefore, before you start to look for friends, ask yourself, “How can I be the best of friends to attract them?”
First, be a friend to yourself.
Love and be comfortable with yourself, the person that you’re with all the time.
If you don’t feel good about yourself, nobody else will.
If you can look after yourself, you are in a better position to look after others.
A positive attitude and emotional stability will help you win more friends.
On the other hand, if you are emotionally unstable, you will repel them from you.
When you work on bringing out the best from yourself, you can also bring out the best in them.
By exemplifying the positive values of being a good friend, you will attract many people to yourself.
More importantly, you will attract those who share the same values as you.
Therefore, contribute positively to your friends and take action to be a positive influence in their lives.
Endeavour to be the friend that you want to have, and be the friend that others are looking for.
This will put you on track to building positive relationships.
2. Enroll
Decide what kind of friends you want to surround yourself with and select them wisely.
Choose people who are committed to developing positive relationships and who aim to achieve win-win results.
To be realistic, not everybody will reciprocate positively when you extend your hands of friendship to them.
Focus on the people who respond well to you and then work towards building a rapport with the rest.
If you choose the right friends, you will be on the way to building the right friendships.
However, if you engage the wrong persons, you will have an uphill climb in building positive relationships.
3. Empower
Like plants, relationships have to be properly sowed, nourished and nurtured.
Plan for your friendships.
Invest the right resources, and take the necessary action to build positive relationships.
The best way to build friendships is to live by the Golden Rule:
“Do to others what you want others to do to you. Don’t do to others what you don’t want others to do to you.”
If you want to be loved, you must extend love to your friends.
In the same way, you must also make them feel important, valued and respected.
When that happens, the momentum for building positive relationships will be increased.
4. Enable
Friends must make time for each other otherwise it is hard to get to know them and strengthen the bonds with them.
When you are with a friend, be mindful to offer them your complete presence.
Strive to give them your full attention – your body, mind and spirit will have to be there for them.
Continue to develop the depth of your communication with them.
From mouth-to-mouth level (small talks), to head-to-head level (communication about issues in life), and finally to heart-to-heart level (sharing of personal secrets), take the friendship over time to a deeper level.
Be sensitive to people’s thoughts and feelings and make them feel comfortable and secure.
After you have successfully connected with them, you are in a better position to collaborate with and even correct them.
Deepen your relationship by continuing to open up to your friends and taking them into your confidence.
Extend your trust and build relationships based on trust.
Without trust, it is hard to have positive relationships.
5. Encourage
Friendship is somewhat like a mirror.
When you like your friends, they will be more inclined to like you too.
They will rise up to the level of your belief in their potential and performance.
Speak words of life when you are with your friends.
Make them feel that you are behind them, and encouraging and supporting them on their way to success.
Look out for the good in your friends and focus on their strengths.
When you help them improve and leverage on these traits, you are on the way to building a fruitful relationship.
Expect the best from your friends and encourage them when they do something right.
In doing so, they will feel good about themselves and become more motivated to achieve better results in life.
Recognise their good deeds privately and publicly and take every opportunity to shower them with your affirmation and appreciation.
Compliment them sincerely, constantly and generously and inspire them on their pathways to greatness.
Be active in responding to good news from your friends as it is important to celebrate their achievements and successes in life.
6. Enhance
In the process of building a relationship, controversies, conflicts and contentions may arise.
You may even have to go through crises and challenges together.
In such times, it is important for you to be humble and be willing to talk over the concerns.
If need be, you may have to bring in a credible third party to mediate and help you patch up the relationship.
Be mindful that as a human, you’ll commit errors and have failures in your life.
Bury your ego and be willing to say, “I’m sorry.”
Without a forgiving spirit, your friendship cannot be strong and it will not grow.
7. Enrich
The best life is a life that is lived for others.
The more you reach out to bless other lives, the richer and better your life will become.
This is the foundation to build a lasting relationship.
Continue to improve on your friendship quotient – your ability to value add to your relationships.
Invest time, energy and money to learn, improve, and become a better friend.
To improve your friendship quotient, find out your friends’ goals and aspirations and position yourself to be their cheerleader.
Play an active part in helping them fulfil their visions in life.
As you journey with them, be sensitive and responsive to their needs.
It can be offering them a listening ear, a simple word of encouragement, a helping hand, or other acts of kindness to help them resolve challenges and live a better life.
As they say, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”
For your friendship to be strong, you need to stand by and support each other through times of difficulties.
Your friends must know that they can count on you during both good and bad times.
The more values you add to friends, the greater will be your sense of purpose and meaning in life.
It will also help you face challenges because you too will need friends to give you a helping hand when you’re down and out.
8. Endear
When you think of all your endearing relationships, it probably came about because of the special experiences and the beautiful memories you shared with them.
It includes sharing each other’s secrets, crying for each other, and spending wonderful moments together.
Although many of these experiences resulted from unplanned circumstances, that does not mean that you cannot create special moments.
I hope you will never be too busy to create such happy memories for your friends.
To do so, you need to stretch your creative juices to come out with heartfelt initiatives and pleasant surprises.
In summary, it is worth every effort to build positive relationships.
Without them, life will not be as meaningful, exciting and fulfilling.Go4It!
I hope this message will find a place in your heart.
By the way, I have also recorded other reflections.
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Life is FUNtastic!
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